On Sunday mornings, some people and I get together for mindful meditation. If the weather allows, we meet at a local park. I have been going for about a year now, more or less regularly. I have been and continue to find meditation beneficial.
A long time ago, being exposed to some hurtful situations, I choose to suppress my feelings, rather than deal with them. When I hit rock-bottom just a little while ago, and decided on a path to recovery, I knew I had to get access to those deeply suppressed feelings. I thought, correctly, that the stillness from meditation would allow me to be able to connect with these feelings again. It has, I am able to connect with the pain, and I let the pain “hurt”. I don’t resist it, at least I try not to (I resist the resistance 🙂 ). So sometimes I sit there meditating, and tears are streaming out of me. It is all good.
In the stillness of mindful meditation I become aware of not only what is inside of me, and sometimes of the vibrations of the people around me. For the first time this Sunday, I became aware of nature, in particular a “loud” tree. It was the tree I was laying under. Most people in our circle sit during meditation, which I find uncomfortable without a wall to lean my back against. With my head toward the center of the circle, I lay in shavasana. Sometimes I close my eyes, and sometimes, as was the case this Sunday, I do not.
And there it was, just above me, the “loud” tree. There were actually two things, one the tree and the other a bee, that kept swarming around David’s (the person sitting next to me) and my head. But the tree was louder. Just awoken from winter’s sleep, thousand new leaves, just finished budding, were stretching for the first time this year into the warmth of the sunlight on this spring day that was warm enough for summer. Rays from the sun touched the leaves, changing their color from dark to light. As the wind rustled through the branches, the leaves danced by its force. The effect was spectacular. As the leaves danced, the rays would hit them, then not, then again, so their color went from dark to light to dark to light numerous times in the same moment. The tree was flickering “loudly”. A spectacular sight, that I was not able to capture in a photograph.
I believe throughout live, we all receive signs from the universe to guide us in our lives. Sometimes these signs manifest themselves in everyday common things that all of a sudden stand out, become obvious, ‘lift’ themselves from their surroundings. Was my ‘loud’ tree such a sign? And if it was, what does it mean? What is the significance of the tree, and the effect of the sunlight and the wind on it? I am baffled.
This morning I was googling ‘Letting go’ and came across one that suggested “When you define the lesson you were meant to learn, create a mantra on paper, that you can commit to memory” (Wikihow). This was the second time I came across mantra in as many weeks. Not really knowing what mantra is, I googled it and came across this: “According to the Vedic tradition, the ancient sages were able to hear the subtle vibrations produced by everything in nature―the sounds of the wind, thunder, butterflies, rushing rivers and all other creations. They recognized that these sounds are the manifestation of spirit into matter. They identified “Om” (or aum) as the most elemental sound, representing the infinite universal consciousness. For thousands of years, people have used this mantra to expand their awareness of the divine”. Mantra
Was the tree or is the tree a mantra, a mantra for me? Am I given an opportunity to expand my awareness of the divine? I am actively working on attaining a deeper connection with the divine. This is a very general statement. For me, on a personal level I have been struggling with loneliness, being alone, perhaps since childhood. In the past I have tried to fill this need, which feels like a void to me by being part of a couple, a romantic relationship. It hasn’t worked. I expected something out of a relationship that a relationship can’t give me, at least not the ones I was involved in. But something needs to be done. This loneliness is too painful to live with. There has to be a way to be present in one’s own live, in my life, in a meaningful way and being satisfied with what life has to offer, with what life is already providing. Life is providing for me in abundance now. “Do not be anxious for tomorrow” (Bible).
On my path …………………………………………